If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
