Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
