Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
