I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
