Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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