There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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