Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
