I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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