I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Randomize
