The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize