If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He better not be in your backpack
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Randomize