whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
