I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
