somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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