Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
