Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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