I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
