We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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