Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
