I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
