im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize