I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She's the barista slut.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize