im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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