It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
