i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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