if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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