I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
