the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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