Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
