just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I met the friendliest cop last night
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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