I cockslap morals
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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