Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
