i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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