The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
