Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
