I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
