Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
