ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
