i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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