Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
