apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Randomize
