dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
