I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
