I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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