So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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