ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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