the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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