Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
