The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
