My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
