yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
