i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
