a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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