nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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