Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize