According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
