that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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