so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize