you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
