do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
