I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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